Welcome back!
When we left off in Part 1 of the recap, Miles was making money the old-fashioned way: by taking dustbusters into a dead person’s room and finding money in a vent behind a bookshelf. Ah, the American Dream.
Downstairs, Grandma asks him if it worked. “Yeah, he’s at peace now.” Then he peels a few bills off the $200 she paid him. “Here. you get a refund. Half off. Wasn’t as tricky as I thought.”
We join Dan, Miles and the rest of the squad as they debate whether or not to trust the Oceanic peoples. Dan thinks they’re good people. Then why did Naomi use the “tell my sister I love her” code? The code for having a gun to your head? And what about Charlotte and Frank? Oh, boo hoo, Miles.
Kate’s quick to resort to snitching on Locke again. Somebody buy her the t-shirt or a Cam album already. When the only G music you got on the island is Geronimo Jackson, values are bound to suffer. Anyway, Kate tries to talk some more, but Miles is not having it. “Now take me to her body!” Seriously.
Back at the Locke camp, Ben’s hanging with Alex and Carl. Or should I say, tormenting them with his creepitude.
How much of this crap are you gonna take, Carl? Surprisingly little, it turns out. Carl pulls that thang out like he’s not afraid to use it.
“Keep your mouth shut, Mr. Linus.”
Checkmate.
Ben? Your thoughts on the game?
“Carl! If you’re gonna sleep with my daughter, I insist you call me Ben.”
Nice try, old man. You do understand that after checkmate, there are no more moves, right? You lost. So it goes with chess and putdowns.
Sawyer stops by to tell Carl that Ben’s just trying to get in his head, and not to listen to him. Been sees this as an opportunity toget in his mind grapes. “Why’d you leave Kate behind?”
“Wasting your time, Yoda.”
Ah, but is he. Ben goes in for the kill. He draws a nasty parallel, that of the low-life scam artist versus the first-class surgeon. Hmm. I don’t care, and Sawyer doesn’t care for Ben’s attitude. Time for an ass-whoopin! Ever wondered what it would be like to whoop a man’s ass while you’ve got a leash tied around him like a human paddle ball? Now’s your chance to live vicariously through screenshots.
Do note how the line goes taught after Ben takes his last paddle-bally punch. Awesome. Locke has to step in and be reasonable, though.
“Don’t.”
“Don’t what?” Seriously! Sawyer’s having a blast!
Locke says they need Ben because he knows the island, and besides the mouth on him, he’s harmless. Sawyer asks if Ben’s mouth put the hole in Locke’s gut. Valid question.
Locke sees an opportunity to use a little reverse psychology, and suggests Ben be executed immediately, in front of his daughter. She makes a kind of lame, puppy-dog expression. Hugo’s like, nah dude. There’s more Dharma beer. Let’s croquet it up.
Sawyer makes the wise move of turning Ben’s leash over to Locke, who could use the rebound action after last week’s breakup. So it all works out. Moral of the story: beat Ben up, but don’t kill him. It’s like the goose who layed the golden eggs. Killing Ben could cost you a trip out of this underwater time warp, but beating his ass every now and then for the heck of it? Priceless.
Now we see Naomi, looking real dead. Miles looks like he’s praying over her body or something. Kate asks, “What is he doing?” That’s what I’m saying, Kate.
Dan Davies is acting weird. “The light is strange out here, isn’t it? It’s like it doesn’t scatter quite right.” What’s that all about? Are we underwater? Are we at a different scale, blown up or shrunk down from the rest of the world? Are we part of some electromagnetic force field? Did somebody say McDonald’s?
Wondering if she’s still got it, Kate tries out a little folksy charm on Dan, suggesting he put the gun away so that nobody gets hurt. Nah, says Dan, Miles will kill me. Miles comes back from Naomi’s body and says the Lost gang didn’t kill her, “it happened the way they said it did.” Really? Didn’t Locke throw a knife in her back? Is this a clue?
Miles find Charlotte 3KM away on the blipper, and just as they’re about to go get her, Jack has another idea.
“You need to put the guns down.”
“What?”
“Put the guns down.”
Jack says his friends are in the jungle with guns on the new guys’ heads. Interesting tactic. Miles can’t believe this crap. “Come on, how stupid do you think I – “
And just like that, Juliet and Sayid! POP POP POP!
Jack: “I don’t know, Miles. How stupid are ya?” Ghost-busters!
Next stop: Medenine, Tunisia. I’m still adjusting to seeing titles on the screen during Lost. Not loving the type treatment.
We see Lady Indiana Jones reading a newspaper that says 815: RETROUVEE!. She’s not buying it. She meets some resistance trying to get onto a site, but you know how L.I. Jones gets down. A bribe slid into the guard’s hand gets her and Shorty Round into the temple.
There’s an interesting skeleton in the dirt. A polar bear, in fact. With a Dharma collar!
Did that bear go Back – In – Ti – i – ime?! Hello, time travel, my dear friend. I hope this means a shifting space-time continuum is about to factor more heavily into the weekly action. I’m always rooting for every show to incorporate time travel, so this makes me very happy. Not as happy as Charlotte, though! She makes a succession of creepy, pleasured faces.
Interesting reaction. I’ll have what she’s having!
Now we’re on the island, where Charlotte hangs upside down from a branch, which looks uncomfortable. I got stuck upside down like that once, parasailing. I couldn’t get upright again, but it was actually pretty fun. Then they brought me down, and didn’t notice that I hit the water while the boat was still moving kind of fast. So I was being dragged underwater while tangled in a parachute for a while. That was less fun. By comparison, Charlotte gets off easy.
Finally she falls. And the Lost gang finds her.
“Hi,” she says.
Locke replies, “Hi yourself.” Locke is cool.
Jack thanks Juliet for saving him, and some fairly repulsive flirting ensues. Kate knows what I’m talking about, don’t you, Kate. Gross.
Dan is talking and Miles is bugging out. “Don’t tell them my last name!”
They ask what Dan does for a living. He starts babbling. Miles says, “Dan, I swear to God, you say one more word I’m gonna break your
fingers.” Ken Leung rules.
Sayid: “And what do you do, Miles?”
“I collect soil samples.” Hahaha.
Sayid decides to get Sherlock Holmes with it. “Well, that’s nice…maybe you can help me. You say you’re not here on a rescue mission. And the world at large believes us to be dead. But here we are, alive and well, and you don’t seem remotely surprised to see us.”
Miles is not having it any more, though. “Oh my God. You guys were on Oceanic Flight 815, wow!! is that better?” Ken’s gestures that accompany the “wow” are an all-time Lost classic.
Sayid is like, not really better, no.
Back with Locke’s gang, the new chick acts surprised that there are survivors. This contrasts Miles’s reaction dramatically. Hugo starts to give her details about the survivors, but Locke wisely shuts him down, so she pivots and starts asking Claire about Aslan’s strength and love – I mean the baby. Aaaand another creepy face!
“Is that your baby?” Duh. “Did you have him here on the island?” Mm-hmm. “That’s amazing! I’ve got a million more questions I want to ask you…”
Of course she does. But why is everyone talking to Cynthia Nixon’s ugly cousin, again? Just let Kate talk to her. She’s tell her it’s Locke’s baby and Locke is a bad man and all that.
Locke starts asking the questions. Yes! Locke rules this season. Flip it, Locke, flip it! (1:41 into the clip)
She reacts to Locke’s skepticism with a plea for sympathy. “I’m lucky to be alive!” Locke doesn’t give a hoot – and he damn sure doesn’t want to be found.
Meanwhile, Jack and them are following Charlotte on the blipometer. She’s moving fast! Oh, come on. This is the oldest trick in the book. “According to this, she’s right here,” says Sayid, who clearly has no Sherlock Holmes in him whatsoever. Oh boy, oh boy, what’s in the bushes? Is it Charlotte running on all fours? Nope. It’s Vincent. Boring.
Jack knows what’s up. “Locke’s got her.” Zzzz.
Action-packed adventure. i thought they’d follow last week’s action-packed ep with one about sawyer finding a copy of Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing and putting it down right in the middle of chapter 8, page 15. Eat it or wear it!
Now the titles tell us we’re in Eluethera, The Bahamas. I’m over the titles. At first, it was the coolest thing ever on Lost. Now I feel like I’m watching Stargate: Dharma Initiative. Or something. A toy plane hits the bottom of a fishtank. Is it wrong that I’m also over the toy plane, which creeped me out when Kate first found it? I don’t care if it’s the same toy plane, or a different toy plane, or any of that. Toy planes don’t scare me anymore. Okay, a little.
We hear on TV that there’s confirmation that Seth Norris is the pilot. A bunch of fake-ass bodies are shown. Then they give a hotline for information: 1-888-545-0034.
I wonder if that’s a real number? That would be cool, if Lost gave you clues you could follow in other places besides on the show. Oh, me and my crazy ideas. If you’re reading, Lost producers, feel free to set up a real number that people could call – ON THEIR PHONES.
The dude in the bait shop – who was also on the chopper with Dan and them at the beginning of the ep – says it’s not Seth Norris.
“Listen, this guy married his high-school sweetheart at 19 and he always wore his ring on his finger and it’s not on that body. Playa please.”
“How you know so much about Chuck Norris, son?”
“Because I was supposed to be flying Oceanic Flight 815 on that day.”
Now we see that same dude on the island. Lost is jumping this way and that, woo hoo! Is this the best episode ever? I don’t know. Now there’s a cow. And dude is confused.
Bessie! “Mooooo.” I think that’s cow for, “We the besst.” Cows = baller. She got a bell, too, which we hear as she walks away.
Ring ding! Ringing bells, Bessie. Got milk? Holla!
Beard dude’s phone is busted. He’s got a cool orange flare gun, though, and lets one go into the sky.
This ep has every type of gun in it. Neat.
Locke and Charlotte see the flare. Charlotte is hyped. “That’s them! That’s somebody from my team!”
Locke’s gang reacts with – dare I say? – healthy skepticism.
Charlotte figures she’ll try out a guilt trip and see if that works. “What’s wrong with you people? We’re here because of you! I just almost died jumping out of a helicopter ’cause you called us for help!”
Please! Locke points out the obvious, she’s lying and they didn’t come for her.
Sawyer delivers the dryest line of the series: “Sure, who are we to argue with taller-ghost Walt.”
Whoa, Ben just shot Charlotte! Locke and Ben are at their best this season. Sawyer doesn’t see it that way, as he opens the Costco-size supercase of whoopass on Ben this time. Just don’t kill him, James! Save some for later. Locke checks her pulse and she bursts back to life. Turns out C.S. Lewis has a bulletproof vest on. Things is all types of gangsta this week on Lost.
Now Jack’s gang has caught up with Frank the bearded dude. He tells them Charlotte bailed out.
“Where’s the chopper?”
“I saw a cow.”
“Hey, Lapedus. Where’s the chopper?”
“I put her down safe and sound, right over there.”
There’s a dramatic coming-over-the-hill shot, the likes of which we haven’t seen since the aerial view of the crashed plane with Marc Ecko. And – whoa, whoa, whoa! It’s a chopper! And it’s not Chopper 4, either! It’s a for-real chopper, y’all.
Jack, Sayid and Kate all get Very Special Reaction Shots.
Cute. Just don’t let Locke blow it up, gang.
Now we’re in a mysterious floor-through office space of some kind. “So this is the team,” someone says. Photos of the latest island visitors are laid out on the table. On the table! Any Bill Burr fans out there? Too many references this week? Whatever.
So it’s Naomi and Cedric Daniels. Naomi’s not feeling this team approach. Daniels doesn’t care. Check him out.
Naomi asks about survivors. Daniels makes it clear that there are no survivors, even if there are survivors. Look, Naomi, can you just shut up already and do this? Because we can’t get in any tighter with the closeups, so this is as tense as it can get.
“Sure, why not.”
Naomi’s hair *does not equal sign* baller. In fact, it looks better in the next shot when she’s dead. Or does rigor mortis add relative bounce? Any necrophiliacs out there with the answer? Please, necrophiliacs, post your thoughts in the comments section.
So Dan and Kate exhibit some nice teamwork, carrying Naomi’s dead – is she dead for good? – body on a stretcher. Sayid confirms that the chopper can fly. Miles asks for the phone, Jack asks what they’re doing on the island, Miles asks for the phone first, Jack gives it to him.
Miles talks to Regina, who says George can’t come to the phone right now. Kate and Dan are about to put Naomi’s body on the chopper, but Miles points out that it’s “not Naomi, it’s just meat.” The pilot agrees that there isn’t enough fuel to be transporting extra weight around. He also starts talking to Juliet.
“What’s your name again?”
“Juliet.”
“Juliet what?”
“Juliet Burke.”
“Juliet Burke. You weren’t on that plane, were you?”
Uh-oh. Like an elevator, it’s about to go down. Frank tells Miles Juliet wasn’t on the plane. “She’s a native.” Miles hears this and start flipping out like Jeff Lewis on a bad day.
“WHERE IS HE?!”
“Back off,” says Jack.
“Where’s who,” says Juliet.
Miles turns to Jack. “You wanna know why we’re here? I’ll tell you why we’re here.” He takes out a crumpled photo. “We’re here for Benjamin Linus.” Didn’t see that coming! He shows a pic of Ben, back when he was in that barbershop quartet in Skokie, Illinois.
“Now, where is he?”
Back with Locke, Sawyer puts Ben against a tree at gunpoint while Ben pleads for him to listen. If you like guns, this is the ep for you.
Locke apologizes to Charlotte for Ben shooting her. They have a little back and forth. Then he walks over to Sawyer and says he’ll clean up the Ben mess. Nobody wants Locke to kill Ben, but Locke just tells anyone who doesn’t want to see it to leave. Gangsta.
But Ben’s not done talking just yet.
“John, listen. I have information that you need. I have answers.”
This changes things, because we’d ALL like some answers. Locke wastes no time picking out his #1 question. “What is the monster?”
“What?” Ben seems genuinely surprised.
“The black smoke, the monster! What is it?” Preach, Locke. Preach!
“I don’t know.” Ben either doesn’t know, is shocked that Locke has seen the monster or is flat-out lying.
Locke’s not in the mood for any of these answers. He cocks back the hammer. “Goodbye, Benjamin.”
Ben’s not done yet, though. “HER NAME IS CHARLOTTE LEWIS!”
Everyone turns.
Ben continues. He continues by spelling out Charlotte’s full name, date of birth, place of birth, parents’ names, schooling, favorite M.A.S.K. character and the names of her entire team. Uh, he asked about the monster, Ben. But I guess we’ll take that as as answer.
“Your instinct was right, John. These people are a threat. And if you shoot me, you’ll never know how great a threat they were. Because I know what they’re doing here. I know what they want.”
Sawyer: “What do they want?”
“Me, James. They want me.”
Sawyer looks at Charlotte, and she makes the busted face. Busted!
So Ben knows. He knows! He knows what’s going on, and he knows what these new people want – him. This is great. I think this is the best ep ever. How do you know all this, Ben?
“Because I have a man on their boat.”
*BWWOWOGNGHWWNGHGNGGG*
Next week, it’s all new. Some will fight to stay on the island. Others will make a desperate attempt to flee like sissies. And another survivor will be revealed as a member of the Pac-10.
See you Friday morning, Lost fans!
