LOST RECAPS

Finally! The recap is here. We don’t have any more excuses for you, we’re just going to keep it funky this week, for this Very Special Keep It Funky Edition of Lost Recaps.

First of all, to keep it funky right off the bat, we aren’t even a plural number of people that constitutes the “we” usage. “We” is a hopeful reference to the possibility of additional writers in the near future. But for now, I is a one-person operation, and this week’s recap took a while because, well, it beez that way sometimes, papi.

Now, without further ado, let’s start the show.

Previously on Lost, new people came to the island, brought a chopper and stuff like that. Now Sayid is closing dead-Naomi’s eyes while Miles rambles on about looking for Linus’s blanket or something. Sayid takes a curious-looking bracelet off Naomi’s wrist.

This begs the question, who is R.G. and what does the message “I’ll always be with you” mean? But you know what? I don’t care, and I’m not going to speculate on it neither either. Gotta keep it funky this week, people.

So everybody’s talking about Locke, getting their Good Charlotte CD back, so on and so forth. It’s boring. Let’s keep it moving on to the next scene – Sayid on the golf course. Sayid talks to another golfer, loses a bet, tells him he was part of the Oceanic Six and then shoots him dead. Fore!

Sayid, Sayid, Sayid. Torturing helpless women? Bucking people down on a golf course? Gotta keep it funky – not that gangsta or baller. Step your thug game up.

Now Sayid is at a hotel or something. His hair is all fancied up. If you want to see it and think about it, go to another Lost blog, because to keep it 100% funky, Sayid’s futurebackstory is a bit of a snooze this week. If you thought meeting that blonde chick was going to work out, you’re crazy. If you thought he was there to do anything but kill her, you need to catch on to the Debbie-Downerisms of every flash-forward so far, and learn to expect the worst.

So Sayid takes his J-Crew-looking ass to the streets, makes a call, cleans his hand on some snow and so on. Back on the island, Jack is talking to Kate and Juliet. Now he’s talking to Sayid. This is a talky-talk episode, and there’s not much we didn’t see coming from last week.

Now we’re with Locke’s gang for more obvious discoveries, like Sawyer’s desire to shoot Ben and Locke’s reason not to (why carry his dumb ass around all day), and a rehash of the less-than-consistent behavior of the ol’ cabin. Hugo starts to question Locke, because let’s face it, Locke > Jack but his plan still seems wack.

Now it’s Jack and Kate again. Kate’s trying to get all cute with it.

Jack says, “That’s okay, Kate, I’ll just keep fantasizing about showered women who don’t live on a dirty island.” Or does he talk more about Locke and Sayid and all that stuff? Talky, talky, talky! Miles, Sayid and Kate take a walk. Now Jack and Frank make small talk. Oh, great, small talk. That’s why i watch Lost, for the long-conversation small-talk eps.

In the woods, Sayid tries to figure out what Miles is all about, and Miles tries to figure out what Sayid is about, and so on and so forth. They seem to have a good thing going.

Miles seems like he might not be that strongly aligned with the rest of his gang. I can see him crossing over in a heartbeat.

Now we’re back in Sayid’s Fantasy Island sequence, where he meets his big-armed girlfriend for some more niceties.

What? Her arms are looking kinda big for a skinny girl, playa. Is this or is this not the Keep It Funky Edition?

Now Sayid is putting her necklace on. This is a wack storyline. Sorry, but it is. And the girl is corny. They talk about her employer, other stuff like that, and it’s clearly leading somewhere, but who cares. She wants to know why he’s still here, but who cares! These two are corny.

Corny!

Back to the island, and my new favorite new character, Danny Fizzleday, is working on an experiment. I used to be totally into experiments, at a supernerd level, so this part is the highlight of this week’s ep for me. Dan tells his contact – on the boat, I assume – to fire the payload. And nothing happens. But you know something is happening, smell me? Do the damn thang, Dan! Do them ‘xperiments. We’ll be seeing that payload later, I bet.

Miles & Co. get to the barracks. The barracks are boring. They need a cool sign or something, like a neon sign that says, “OTHERS BARRACKS – HOLLA!” Something super cool like that.

Now they’re busting a door down like the damn police. And they hear someone in the closet. It’s Hurley! They take the gag off his mouth. What type of freaky stuff is Locke into, anyway?

So Hurgoley starts BSing everyone, and they buy it. I love how people keep selectively trusting people this season, and it rarely makes sense to trust ANYONE this season. Come on, people. Didn’t Hugo just go with Locke? Shouldn’t Sayid be able to read that he’s making stuff up? Weak, gang. Weak.

Back on the interesting side of the plot, Dan finally sees the payload coming. “It’s the payload!” he says. And guess what? It’s the payload. And guess what? It’s got a clock in it. And guess what? The time is different than his watch.

Timewarp Deliciousness, how I love thee! This single moment outweighs any boredom I felt during the rest of the ep. O Time Traveling, how I loveth thee.

Juliet and Desmond show up. They’re jazzed about the chopper. Big deal! Juliet and Desmond need to get back involved in the plot, that’s what’s really good.

Now we’re following gun-totin’ Kate again. After last week’s gunfest, this week is a lot less interesting. Sayid, on the other hand, finds a supercool secret passageway and walks inside. He discovers a whole lot of suits (what some may call “hella suits”) and some passports (not really “hella” passports, compared to the suits) with ya boy Ben on them.

The name on the passport is Dean Moriarty. True story.

Now Kate’s looking under a bed. For what? That seems stupid to me. And guess who pops in? Sawyer. He shushes Kate. She calls for Sayid. Then Locke shows up with his gun drawn. Turns out Hugo played everybody out. Suckas!

Sayid gets put in the same lockdown room as Ben. Ben starts messing with Sayid’s head, or trying anyway. Who wrote this ep? It’s not that baller.

Now Kate and Sawyer are talking. It’s the talk-talky talkfest of Season 4! I’m sure you can find more detailed notes on these boring-ass scenes on another recap site, but not here! Not inside the Keep It Funky Edition. All we got for you heavy-dialogue fans is two things:

1) The Bozack

2) The Gas Face

Take your pick. Yes, these long conversations contain plenty of foreshadowing, but we’ll cross that foreshadowy bridge when we come to it. For now, all that matters is that Sawyer wants to play house. Isn’t that nice.

Locke brings some wack iced tea with no ice. I thought Sayid was the torturer! Locke pours himself a glass. And to keep it extra funky, it looks like Locke’s sipping on a glass of stale urine throughout the scene, so I can’t take it seriously.

“Mmmm, that’s good. And my body produces it naturally.”

The conversation goes on and on. Sayid asks for Charlotte. Locke wants to keep her. They talk and talk. Is this Lost or My Dinner with Andre? Locke doesn’t get why he should give Sayid something for nothing. Sayid says, I didn’t say you gotta give her to me for nothing, family. Who then? Kate? Interesting.

Now Sayid’s in bed with his future chick. And guess what? They’re still corny.

They kiss and it’s gross. She asks him about his mysterious job. Oh, brother. Is this really what we need in the talkiest Lost ep ever? A talky relationship fight about a relationship that is clearly going nowhere? Thankfully, the chick gets paged. Sayid stares at the pager. Stuff’s about to go down.

The chick – okay, fine, ELSA – gets ready to go meet her boss. Sayid is like, actually, here’s what’s gonna happen instead. I got an employer, I got business to handle. And Elsa is like, well, the way I see it, I’m about to shoot your ass! And she does. And Sayid goes down hard.

So much for that love affair we were so attached to!

It’s a Mr-and-Mrs.-Smith doublecross, folks. While Elsa’s on the phone, Sayid sees a gun nearby. You didn’t think Sayid was going out like that, did you? He breaks a mirror to get her attention, then shoots her dead when she runs back into the room. Awww. Looks like these two might not work out after all. One interesting note: Else has the same bracelet that Sayid saw on Naomi. Cool. More on that as the situation develops.

Back to the chopper! Because nothing else really matters this week. Sayid and Desmond are joining Frank and dead Naomi on a trip back to who-knows-where. At first, I’m like, yeah yeah yeah, they’re leaving the island on the chopper. Then I’m like, oh wow, they’re leaving the island on the chopper! And Sayid is like, I feel you dog. We leavin the island on the chopper.

They keep showing Indiana-Jonesy shots of Sayid leaving on the chopper, in case it hasn’t hit you yet that they be leaving the island on the chopper.

Now we’re in a weirdo lab where the Retrievers of Truth are caged up like dogs. Sayid walks in, still clutching his gut where he got popped.

A freaky-ass voice tells him to take his shirt off. He does. The freaky-ass voice says, “Is she dead?” They converse as the offscreen person gives Sayid a shot. And it’s – holy guacamole! It’s Ben!

He reminds Sayid about the last time he thought with his heart instead of his gun. Wonder what that was? Then he asks Sayid if he’s gonna protect his friends or not. Protect them from what, and how? Then Sayid points out that a mysterious “They” know he’s coming for them now. And Ben says, “Good.”

*HHHBWWWOHHHNNGGGGHH*

This has been a Very Special Keep It Funky Edition of Lost Recaps. The Episode 4 recap will be a lot more timely than this one, so you know what that means…

See you Friday morning, Lost fans!