Season 4, Episode 5: The Constant recap

Welcome to the s04e05 recap! So glad you could join us.

I say “us” because I’m not alone on this one. I am in fact joined by a Very Special Celebrity Lost Co-Recapper of the Week: Ms. Britney Spears.

“Thanks yall. I am so delighted to be here. Steve, I got a lot going on right now, so if you could do the majority of the typing? And I could just chime in from time to time with some verbals? That would be great yall.”

Of course! What a wonderful way to work. Delighted to have you, Brit. now let’s give the people what they want.

We open on Desmond, who is looking at that fake pic of him and that sweet, caring woman from Tell Me You Love Me.

The chopper gang is zipping along in their chopper. Frank checks the coordinates. What’s that, Frank? “Cheat sheet Faraday drew for me.” It’s got them coordinates on it. You gotta coooooordinate!

Sayid is concerned. “You don’t know where your boat is?” Oh, we’ll know where it is. Then it gets grey out, and they start hitting switches. “Why are you flying directly into the Mr. Potato Head?” asks Sayid. Frank’s like, is it Frank’s? Thanks.

Sayid continues to ask a question every time the blades go around once. Charlie said Penny wasn’t on the boat, so what do you think you’re gonna find on the plane, Des? “Answers.”

Let’s tag along with our time-warping A-Team and get some of those answers.

So things get extra rocky again, and the flight goes back on that wrongo trajectory that Danny Dunn Faraday warned Frank about. Things get grey and weird, and there are big, bright flashes of white light. Frank tells them to hold on – good call! – and Des grabs the bottom of his seat, which becomes…

His bed. He’s back in the military!

Time travel in the house. The commander-type guy barks at him: “What’s the matter, Hume? Did you not hear me?” Sorry sir, says Des, I was ‘aving a dream. “Was it about taking so sodding long ot get to your mark?” Ha, that would be ironic.

Des says, “I was in a helicopter, sir. And there was a storm, sir. And…I don’t remember the rest, sir.” So he remembers the future! This ep is good.

“Well at least it was a bloody military dream,” shouts the guy from Dinner: Impossible. And we’re outside. As punishment for Desmond’s sodding long trip to the lineup, they’re doing pushups in the rain, now some crunches, pilates, hip-hop krav-maga yoga, etc. The guy shouts at Des some more, and suddenly…

Des is back in the chopper again! A burst of bright white light hits his face.

Des unhooks his belt. Sayid tries to hold him down, but he stares at Sayid with utter confusion. “Who are you?! HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?!”

Come on, Des. It’s Sayid. Sayid who? Sayid Jarrah. Sayid Jarrah who? Oh, pickle you, kumquat.

We join the always-boring duo of Juliet and Jack, kicking it on the island with the new kids. Jack wants to know why it’s been a day and they haven’t heard from them. C.S. Lewis is like, I don’t know, how should I know? She makes lots of nasty faces, and Dan makes the “we’re not friends, I just work with her” face.

Juliet is like, hmm, but why aren’t you worried, C.S. Lewis? She gets sarcastic again, and Dan breaks in to suggest that maybe they should just tell J&J what’s up. Charlotte zings him with the evil eye, zing zing zing!

“Dan, let’s not confuse anyone,” says Charlotte.

Dan continues anyway. “Your perception of how long your friends have been gone? It’s not ‘necessarily’ how long they’ve actually been gone.” Nice!! Time travel fans everywhere are crapping their pants in the loveliest way possible. Dan says it’ll be all good in the hood if Frank follows the coordinates. And if not? “Then there might be side effects.” Cool!

Back on the chopper, Sayid tries to restrain Desmond. Frank is like, hey, we’ll be there in two minutes, let’s not crash the chopper and die over this.

And whaddaya know? It’s the boat.

“I knew they were gonna get to that boat yall!”

Ha, me too, Brit! I totally forgot you were here.

When they land, Sayid grabs his gun, and two guys roll up on them. Frank tells the Boat Boys that Des started acting funny when they hit some turbulence, which leads to them making faces that suggests this has happened before.

One of the Boat Buddies tells Sayid they’re gonna take Des to the sick bay, and his creepy smile suggests that there’s not a lot of wiggle room in the plan. Des keeps saying he doesn’t know anybody. So it’s Military Des stuck in Island Des’s body? This is great.

Now we’re back in the military, and Des is aware of his jumping around through time, which is awesome. He tells some other dude that he left their military unit, was on a boat, then came right back here where he started. The dude asks him who else was on the boat. That’s a weird quesiton, eh? Des remembers Penny was in the photo, but that’s about it. He goes to call her and gets shoved by another soldier by the pay phone. “Thanks for this morning, Hume.” No love!

Just like that, Des is back on the boat, stumbling on the deck. We got some time warp action this week, peoples! But is it underwater. Because I’d love me some underwater time warp action. Probably asking too much, huh. The Boat Bros walk Des downstairs, introduce themselves, tell him where they’re from – but stop short of explaining where they are, exactly. Only that they last ported in Fiji, “so at least we know we’re still in the Pacific.”

Hmm…still in the Pacific. But where?

“They could be underwater in the Pacific yall!”

We are simpatico, Brit Brit.

They put Des in a dingy medical room. “Hey! Hey,” someone calls out. It’s Phoebe’s psychiatrist boyfriend Roger! As played by Fischer Stevens.

“It’s happening to you, too, isn’t it?” Des is like, oh wow. I knew I was crazy, but not that crazy. Homeboy looks crazy all strapped up in the bed. Am I strapped-up-in-the-bed crazy? Perhaps, Des. Perhaps.

We’re on deck of the boat again. Sayid watches Frank and the big dude argue. Sayid wants to know what’s up with Desmond, but Frank says he doesn’t know. Sayid wants to know how they took off at dusk and landed in daylight, but Frank isn’t a big enough character to reveal that now, is he. “Listen, I don’t know what’s happening to your buddy, alright? But you gotta trust me when I tell you this: I am trying to help you.” Sayid suggests he can do that “You give me that weapon and I’ll give you this phone,” offers Frank. Sayid goes for it. “Be quick. Don’t go trying to call Baghdad, those phones can only call each other.” I say he should still try to call Baghdad and save a few bucks on a phone card.

Sayid calls Jack and tells him about what happened to Desmond, and Daniel is worried. “Has your friend…Desmond…has he recently been exposed to high levels of radiation of electromagnetism?” Going to or coming from the island, “People can get a little…confused.” What is this, amnesia? “No, this is not amnesia.” And he makes a weird, concerned, aware-of-what’s-going-on face.

“I had amnesia once. It’s different than this yall.”

Word. So we’re in the sick bay, where Desmond is staring into the Fischer’s eyes, which go from blank to alert again. “I was just on a Ferris wheel,” he says. Time travel is awesome.

Now the doc’s here, getting a shot ready. Fischer Stevens tells the doctor, Ray, that he’s not crazy, that it’s happening to Des too, and that it’s going to start happening to everyone when they “start going to that island again.” Des is concerned. Ray goes in to give bed guy a shot and tells him to relax.

But does he relax? Not exactly. He kind of flips out. “Nothing can stop it, Ray! Nothing can stop it!” Stop what?

Des makes it clear that he’s not feeling the needle, so Ray puts the needle away and takes out one of those doctor-light things to check his eyes. “Desmond, why don’t you tell me about the last thing you remem – “

Back in the military era, Des picks up his coin and gets back on the phone. This is the best flash-whoshewhatsit ever, bar none, including the candy bar, Bar None. Des is like, Yo Penny, I’m confused, I need to see you. She’s mad that he broke up with her and joined the army. But Pen, I got two days leave, let’s do this! She’s not into it, and she tells him not to show up at the flat, because she’s moved. Where, asks Des? “That doesn’t matter.” Ah, but it does, Penny Power.

Now Desmond’s back with the doc, who’s still looking in his eyes. “Did you just…experience something, Desmond?” Before he can answer, Frank and Sayid roll in. They got Faraday on the phone. Ray is hating. “Faraday is not talking to my patient!” Oh, I bet he is though.

Sayid ain’t having it. He throws Ray up against the wall and tells Frank to give Des the phone. Dan’s on speakerphone on the other line. Isn’t this an occasion not to use speakerphone? People are so rude these days. Dan guesses Desmond won’t remember him from before the chopper flight, and he’s right. “Desmond, we don’t have long to talk, so I need you to tell me what year you think it is.”

“What do you mean what year do I…it’s 1996!”

Sayid is like, What? I wasn’t really listening. Did he say 1996?

Dan is like, Oh man, 1996.

Jack’s like, Yo Juliet, did you hear what I just heard? Did he say 1996?

Juliet’s like, Yup. He definitely said 1996.

Is it me, or does Juliet know what’s going on?

“Desmond, look, you gotta tell me. Where are you?”

“I’m in some kind of sick bay.”

“No, no, no, not right now, dumbass. Where are you supposed to be? Where are you in 1996?”

Des tells him he’s in Glasgow.

“Get on a train and go to Oxford University, Queens College Physics department.”

“Why?”

“Because I need you to find me.”

This is what I’m talking about!

“It’s like Back to the Future II yall!”

It is like Back to the Future II! Almost exactly like it.

After the break, Dan’s a-rummagin’ through his bag. He needs his journal or else he won’t believe Desmond. Jack asks what’s up, and Dan explains that “it’s unpredictable, it’s a random effect. Sometimes the split is only a couple of hours, sometimes it’s years.” Whoa, says Jack. This happened before? Charlotte just wants everyone to shut the hell up. Look at her face.

“When you find me at Queens College, I need you to tell me to set the device to 2.342…and it must be oscillating at 11 hertz.”

Des writes it down on his hand. And Charlotte looks like she just double-crapped her pants.

“One more thing – if the numbers don’t convince me, I need you to tell me that you know about Eloise.”

The Boat Boyz break the door down and take the phone. And Des is back in the phone booth! It’s a great shot.

He drops the phone. He checks his hand. It’s blank.

So his body isn’t traveling back and forth through time. That much we know.

Next, we see Desmond at Queens College.

“Sorry, are you Daniel Faraday?”

Dan looks confused.

“And you are…?”

“Ahh, I’m sorry playa. I’m Desmond Hume. I was told I could find you here. I think I’ve just been to the future.”

“The future?”

Des explains the plan, and Dan delivers that classic initial reaction that we all deliver when confronted by someone who’s just traveled through time to meet us – who put you up to this? Dan thinks it’s a prank until Des relays the numbers from future Dan. Actually, he still thinks it’s a prank, but he wants to know who gave him the numbers. “You did.” That’s ridiculous. “I know about Eloise.” And then, the classic, wow, you did just travel through time, reaction.

Cut to Dan’s lab. “This is where I do the things Oxford frowns upon.” They try to figure out the whole future thing. “This future version of me, uh, he referenced this meeting, right? Obviously. So I would remember you coming to Oxford, right? I would remember this, here, right now.”

“Actually, uh…no. Maybe you just forgot.”

“Yeah, right, how would that happen.” But we all saw Dan struggling with the card/memory game, so it does happen.

Desmond takes his stab at talkin’ future stuff. “So this, this is changing the future?”

“You can’t change the future.” Interesting! Dan puts a lead jacket on. Des wants one, but Des says it’s just for prolonged exposure. So what do you put on your head, asks Des. “Ha…yeah.” Dude, put something on your head! Or don’t. It’s your memory, homie.

Dan puts a lab rat in a box. “This is Eloise.” Then he puts her in a maze. “If the numbers you gave me are correct, this will unstick Eloise in time, just like you.” Dan gets his wacky ray gun going and zaps Eloise with the juice.

Zzzzzap! Rat’s done.

It takes her a few seconds to come “back” according to Dan, then Eloise starts running through the maze. She’s doing it. Dan giggles with glee. She’s doing it. Dan cackles with delight. She gets all the way through! Dan has an orgasm.

“It worked! This is incredible.”

“I’m sorry, how is a rat running through a bloody maze so incredible?”

“What’s incredible, is I just finished the maze this morning.” That’s not that incredible. It’s just a wooden maze! Oh, wait, there’s more. “I’m not gonna teach her how to run it until an hour from now.”

So he sent her to the future?

Des: “So you sent her to the future?”

“Consciousness. Her mind.”

“So how does that help me?” wonders Des.

“You? Help? I don’t understand. Am I supposed to help you? Didn’t I send you back here to help me?”

“I don’t know why you sent me here! All I know about you is, you end up on some bloody island.”

“An island? Why would I go to an isl – “

Ah, Des, no luck. It’s not gonna be that easy, playa. Because you’re back on the boat, and things is out of control.

Frank tells everyone to relax. “Daniel wanted to talk to the guy, so we brought him the phone, that’s all.”

The tall Boat Guy says, “You let Faraday talk to him?”

“He said he could help!”

Ray’s still hating. “Faraday can’t even help himself!” Did you discover time travel, Ray? Then quit hating! Hating-ass Ray. The Boat Buds drag Frank off to the captain, locking Sayid, Desmond and the other guy in the sick bay.

Des grabs the doctor light and starts flashing it in his own eyes. He’s getting the hang of the time travel thing. Sayid doesn’t get it. “Desmond, can you please explain to me – “

“Desmond?” The crazy guy speaks! They turn. “You’re Desmond?”

“Do I know you?”

“I’m George Minkowski.” Holla back! “I’m the communications officer. Before they strapped me down here, all the calls to and from this boat came through me in the radio room. And every so often, I’d get this flashing light on my console – an incoming call. We were under strict orders never to answer it.”

Des says, “So? What’s that got to do with me?” Probably nothing, Des.

George takes us to commercial with a real doozy: “Those calls came from your girlfriend, Penelope Widmore.”

This is my favorite episode ever, this week.

“Me too yall!”

Great. So Des comes to and he’s back in Dan’s office. He’s been out for 75 minutes, catatonic. But he was only in the future for five minutes. Dan is calculating his consciousness, how it’s jumping around and it’s exponential, all that good stuff. But Des notices that Eloise is dead. Dan’s like, yeah, the effects seem to vary, blah blah blah. Des ain’t quite so lackadaisical. He grabs Dan-O by his rumpled collar.

“If this keeps happening, am I gonna die?!”

Dan doesn’t know, but he has some ideas. “I think Eloise’s brain short-circuited. The jumps between the present and the future, she eventually…she couldn’t tell which was which. She had no anchor.”

“Whaddaya mean, anchor?” Yes, Dan, what do you mean? We’re all listening.

“Something familiar in both times. All this, see this? This is all variables. It’s random, it’s chaotic. Every equation needs stability, something known. It’s called a constant. Desmond…you have no constant. When you go to the future, nothing there is familiar. So if you wanna stop this, then you need to find something there, something that you really, really care about, that also exists back here, in 1996.”

Des needs a moment to take it all in.

“This constant…can it be a person?”

Dan’s expressions indicate that he’s hanging on Desmond’s every word. Is this a little fishy? Is it all a setup to get Des to make contact with Penny in the future? Dan’s face is really, really weird here, don’t you think?

“Yeah, maybe. But you’d have to make some kind of contact.”

What’s that all about? As much as I enjoy Dan’s character, I wonder what his motivations are. Des starts to dial the phone. “Can you see her on the boat, in the middle of nowhere?” How does Dan know the boat’s in the middle of nowhere? Maybe I’m reading too much into this. Let’s move on.

Dan: “Uh, who are you calling?”

“I’m calling my bloody constant.”

Hahahaha.

We snap back to the future. Des catches a reflection in the mirror, and it ain’t pretty.

George knows what’s up. “You look a lot older now, huh? Welcome back, Desmond.” Des tells Sayid he needs to call Penny, and Sayid is like, not the time for that playboy. But Desmond convinces him that it’s important.

George says, Whoa, not that easy. “Two days ago, someone sabotaged all the equipment. We lost all communication with the mainland. I probably could have fixed it, but…then I went nuts.”

Sayid doesn’t care about that part. “Where’s the radio room?”

“It’s one deck up. I’ll take you there. Come on.”

“And how do we get out of here?”

“Through the door?”

“The door is ajar, yall!” -Britney

It’s not a jar, dumbass. It’s a door. Oh…ajar! Sorry, Brit.

“Be nice. words matter yall.”

They do! So the door is open. And George gives us a cryptic clue: “Looks like you guys have a friend on this boat.” Taller Walt? They go to leave, but first Des has to…

End up back in 1996. We’re in a ritzy-ass auction house, or an Old Spice commercial, hard to say. There’s a big painting of what the auctioneer reveals to be the Black Rock, and a leather-bound book in a glass case.

The auctioneer talks about how the boat was lost at sea, and all that was found was this neat-ass journal, which pirates found seven years later. “The contents of this journal have never been made public, nor are known to anyone outside of the family of the sellar, Tovard Hanso.” Bidding opens at 150,000 pounds – and the bidder is Charles Widmore!

Awesome! Hanso biz, you know what it is. Widmore’s gonna get that journal. The bids go up and up, and Desmond tries to interrupt, but security holds him back. Only after Widmore wins the auction does he turn to see…

“Mr. Widmore!”

“Desmond?”

“Can I have a word, sir?”

Widmore’s like, sure. “Walk with me.” And it turns out that’s rich-guy slang for, “Let’s go talk while I take a piss.”

“Your word, let’s have it.”

“I need to get in touch with Penny. I don’t know how to reach her, and her number’s been disconnected.”

Widmore blames Desmond’s cowardice for ruining the relationship. “I take it you’ve had second thoughts? And you’d like her to give you another chance.”

“Why do you hate me so much?”

Widmore snickers.

“Mmm, Snickers! Love em yall!”

Me too, Brit! But I meant that he makes a snickering sound.

“Ohhhhhhh. Sorry yall.”

So Widmore snickers. “It’s not me who hates you.” What does that mean? Is it a reference to Penny, or to a larger conspiracy? “Here’s her address. I’ll let you tell her yourself.”

Des flashes back on the boat. George is like, “I know, it’s getting harder. It starts happening faster, too.” George is cool. Des wants to know how George got all screwed up. Turns out they were anchored here, got bored and decided to take a trip to check out the island. But the other guy went crazy, and now he’s in a body bag. Des senses he’s headed for the same fate, and is so not feeling it. They get to the communication room, and Sayid asks who messed everything up. “Ya got me,” says George, “But when the captain finds out, I feel sorr – “

Faceplant! George doesn’t look too hot.

Sayid is confused. “After your call, someone has to tell me precisely what is going on.” You and me both, Sayid! You and me both. Sayid gets working on the phone but Des doesn’t have the number. Meanwhile, George is convulsing. Des sees the calendar on the wall and realizes it’s 2004. Then Sayid lets him know his nose is bleeding. Now George is convulsing some more and bleeding a lot.

“I…can’t…get…back!”

And then, he dead, son. And if you haven’t caught on yet, Desmond needs to hurry up and do something before he gets deaded too.

After the break, we open with the overflowing sink from when Widmore left it on before, and Desmond lying on the floor. He turns the water off and splashes it on his face. This week is up there on the Excite-O-Meter! Fortunately, Des still has the card with Pen’s address – 423 Cheyne Walk. And Penny is thrilled to see him.

Okay, not thrilled, more shocked and horrified.

She says she’s trying to make a clean break, but Des needs that phone number, and he’s persistent. After begging her to listen, Penny relents and lets him in. He tells her that he needs to call her eight years from now, and he needs her number to do it. She’s understandably confused. But he persists. He pleads. He insists. Finally, she relents. “If I give you the number, will you leave?”

“Ay.”

“7946, 0893.” Anyone know what that’s about? Des starts repeating it to himself. “All that and you’re not going to write it down?” asks Pen. No time to explain time travel, it’s time TO time travel!

“Let’s do it yall!”

FfffwwwwooooOOOoooshhh!

Back on the boat. Sayid needs the number. Des still got it! Sayid dials, and the call goes through, but the battery might not last long. Surprise, surprise. The phone rings. Here goes nothing…or everything.

Someone picks up. “Hello?”

“Penny?”

“Desmond??!!”

Back in 1996, a weary smile comes over Desmond’s face.

Holla at ya constant!

We flash back to Desmond in 2004, who also looks relieved.

“Penny! Penny, you answered…you answered, Penny.” Yeah, she answered! Can we make with some questions?

“Des, where are you?”

“I’m…I’m…I’m on a boat. Um…I’ve been on an island…” Spit it out, brotha!! “Oh my God, Penny, is that really you?” YES IT’S HER!

“Yeah, yes, it’s me!” WE KNOW DOGGY!

“You believe me! You still care about me.”

“I’ve been looking for you for the past three years. I know about the island. I’ve been researching it *GDKFDFstaticJJKFstaticHFSHSH* And then, when I spoke to your friend Charlie, that’s when I knew you were still alive. That’s when I knew I wasn’t crazy.” WE KNOW ALL THAT ALREADY! TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE!

“Des, are you still there?”

“Yes, yes I’m here! I’m still here! Can you hear me?” SHE CAN HEAR YOU KILLA!

“Yeah, yeah, that’s better.” Oh man. We’re not getting any more juicy info, are we.

“I love you, Penny. I’ve always loved you. I’m so sorry. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“I don’t know where I am, but – “

“I’ll find you, Des”

“I promise – “

“No matter what – “

“I’ll come back to you – “

“I won’t give up – “

“I promise – “

“I promise – “

Then, in unison: “I love you.” And the line goes dead. Back to the lonely, dirty-ass boat.

Sayid catches feelings off the conversation. “I’m sorry, the power source went dead. That’s all we have.”

“Thank you, Sayid. It was enough.” He knows Sayid again. Desmond 2004 is back! Holla.

“Are you alright now?”

“Ay. I’m perfect.”

After a nice aerial shot of the boat, we’re back on the island with Faraday. He’s flipping through his journal. Suddenly, his face becomes possessed with something, as if he’s looking for something but doesn’t know what it is.

And then he turns the page and finds it.

Whoa! That’s a hell of a reveal. So is this 1996 Daniel, time-tripping this way and that? Is that why he’s so terrible at the card game? Because he hasn’t had a constant? This is shaping up to be a doozy of a semi-season.

Next week: we’re back on the island! And things look out of control.

“Okay, I gotta go yall.”

Thanks, Brit! You brought a lot to the table, literally. And thanks to everyone else for joining us at Lost Recaps. Please add your thoughts about the ep in the comments section.

And who knows? With a little bit of luck, we might kick off that oft-promised weekly Lost coverage next week. Do stop back!