LOST RECAPS

Previously on Lost: Daniel Faraday fell out of a chopper, Charlotte talked all sorts of greezy, Jack found some gas masks and Daniel wouldn’t explain what they were there for.

But don’t get your hopes up. After all, s04e06 is a Juliet episode, and the running theme is annoying-ass couples, which can only mean one thing…

“Hey friend! Are we late?”

No, right on time actually! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our guest recappers for the Annoying Couples Edition of Lost Recaps: Mad About You’s Paul and Jaime Buchman.

“Thanks! Good to be here! We don’t get out much anymore.”

Well, to be frank, we blew most of our yearly budget on last week’s guest recapper, so you were our only option. No offense.

“None taken. Just let Murray know where we are so he doesn’t get worried.”

Um, okay, will do. So how will we know who’s writing?

“You won’t. That’s the fun of it. We’re both at a keyboard and we’ll take turns typ -”

Okay, okay, whatever.

So Juliet is this week’s star of the show, and her hair is flashbacktastic.

A brunette walks into the room. It’s Harper Stanhope. And just like that, we meet Annoying Couple #1: Juliet & Harper’s foreheads. Time for two bad attitudes and near-expressionless foreheads to go tete-a-tete.

And we’ve just barely scratched the surface. It’s Others therapy time! Let’s go.

Juliet doesn’t think she needs therapy, but she probably do. She doesn’t like being treated like a celebrity, doesn’t like being the center of attention, isolated, alone, yadda yadda yadda. Harper says, “Well, maybe you feel that all eyes are on you, honey. But you’re not a celebrity, sister girl. And soon enough, you’ll realize that your curly blonde hair doesn’t make you any better than the brunette psychiatrist lady.”

“Oh, I know, I never meant that…”

There’s a knock. It’s Tom! Ben wants to see Juliet, so this session is over. “Welcome to the island,” says Harper. “I don’t like you at all,” says her body language.

Juliet leaves her extremely flexible therapy session to find Ben has a special gift for her – her very own house. “Welcome to your humble abode,” he says. And welcome to Annoying Couple #2!

“Welcome to your humble abode.” In addition to the flowers, he’s picked out a collection of opera, TiVo, the Clapper, the Magic Bullet…Ben went all out for this two-bedroom, two-bath beauty. But I’m only gonna be here for six months, says Juliet. “Right, of course,” lies Ben, “But we want you to feel at home.”

Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Now Sun’s helping Juliet on the beach, and Jack shows up looking for Charlotte and Faraday, cuz they’re stuff’s gone. Jin saw them go into the jungle. Well, why didn’t ya tell me, says Jack. What’s the big deal, Jack? You said they were friends? No time to talk, time for Jack Mode! Grab the torches and let’s go run around the jungle, just Jack-Modin’ it.

Yup.

Juliet, who I think is supposed to be sexy this week, hears the infamous jungle whispers all around her, and suddenly – it’s Harper!

“Hello, Juliet. Long time no see.”

LOSSSSSSSSSSSST.

After the break, we’re right back at it with Annoying Couple #1. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to deliver a message from Ben. The two people you’re looking for, Faraday and Lewis? They’re headed to the Tempest. And if they figure now to deploy that gas, then everyone on this island is going to die.”

“Why don’t you stop them?”

“Because Ben wants you to go.”

“How can Ben possibly know where they are when he’s a prisoner?”

“Ben is exactly where he wants to be.”

“How am I supposed to stop them?”

“By pointing a gun and pulling the trigger.” Island Weirdness a Go Go! It’s a good thing Botox is water-resistant.

Then Jack shows up. “Hey! Who are you?”

Whoa, Jack can see her, too. Didn’t see that coming.

“I’m an old friend of Juliet’s. I just told her where the people you’re looking for are headed. Maybe you and your gun can go, too.”

Then Jack hears the whispers, turning around to look for their source. And just like that, poof! She’s gone.

Cut to Juliet crying in her lab. Sucks to live on this island, huh? She hears someone in the supply room. It’s Goodwin!

He burned his arm and is looking for gauze. Juliet helps him out. Goodwin knows she’s Burke, the baby doctor, and heard Henrietta just died. But he’s like, Don’t worry about it, no one expects you to stop pregnant women from dying overnight. Tell that to Henrietta’s family! He suggests she talk to a friend, maybe Harper, but Juliet says no, Harper sucks. “She’s my wife,” says Goodwin. Boy, is Juliet’s face red. But Goodwin doesn’t seem to care about his wife, not with that curly mess of hair in front of him.

“Much obliged, Ma’am. I know this place can wear on you, but if you need to talk, I’m around.”

“Good to know. Oh, um, if you promise not to tell your wife what I said about her, I won’t tell anyone that you lied about how you hurt your arm. I know a chemical burn when I see one.”

“You got a deal. Oh, by the way, I’m Goodwin.”

“Juliet.”

And so goeth the nascency of Annoying Couple #3, Juliet & Goodwin.

“God, that was cute, the way they met like that? Reminds me of when we first met. We were at a newsstand, and we were both trying to buy the Sunday New York Ti-”

Okay, that’s great, guys, but let’s try to stay in the moment and keep recapping this episode of Los –

“No, it was so great, seriously, you gotta see it, it’s like the best newsstand scene in any show ever. Just watch it!”

Um…huh. Wow.

Who said you were allowed to add videos to the post, Paul and/or Jaime Buchman?

“Sorry. No one had ever embedded a Mad About You video before. We saw a chance and took it.”

That’s understandable, I guess. Still not sure how two fictional characters would be able to do that from a technological standpoint, but there’s no time for all that right now.

Back on the island, Annoying Couple #4, Jack and Juliet, argue about going after Annoying Couple #5, Faraday and Lewis. Juliet tells him they’re headed for the Tempest, an electrical station that powers the island, but that’s all she’s saying. Jack tries to find out more, but she’s not in the mood. “What I need is for you to help me. Will you help me?” You can tell she picked up some good mindjitsu from Ben, because it works, and AC#4 goes after AC#5.

Meanwhile, AC#5 is having troubles of their own, as Dan expresses second thoughts about ability to do what he gotta do. Charlotte says, “Dan, look at me. I’m creepy! I mean, I know you can do this. We should get going.”

And then Kate shows up Charlotte’s about her to shoot her, but Dan’s like, Nah, she’s okay.

Kate starts to ask questions, and Charlotte starts to make crap up. She says the sat phone went dead, but Kate sees it in her pocket with its light on. Don’t look dead to me! Kate turns to Dan and asks him what’s in his bag, which he shows her – just as Charlotte brings the hammer down on that broad!

Dan looks at Charlotte, who shrugs and says, “What?”

She don’t give a what, that’s what.

We rejoin AC#4 on their little mission. Jack asks Juliet what the deal is with Harper. Old friend? “Not exactly. She was my therapist.” Therapist? “It’s very stressful being an Other, Jack.” Boo hoo. She tries to change the subject by generalizing that Jack must have stuff from his past he’d rather not talk about. Yeah, you read them all in my file, snaps bitter Jack. “Trust me, Jack, you don’t want to see my file,” retorts Juliet.

Now Juliet’s at her microscope while Ben pretends to listen, but is really just checking her out on his Annoying Couple mission. She tells him how the white blood system plummets and the immune systems be turning on the fetuses and stuff. No word on the cause yet, just what we already know, that it only affects women who conceived on the island. Zzzzzzz. Ben puts his hand on Juliet’s. Gross!

Gross!

And who pops in but Goodwin. He’s got egg salad on rye for Juliet, which is probably AC#3 code language for coitus. Ben’s no dummy. He stares Goodwin down like a tiny John Lithgow. Stare, Ben. Stare!

No time to dwell on that. It’s time for AC#1. Harper asks Juliet what she thinks of Ben, but more importantly, drops the bomb: “I see you and my husband have become friendly.” Oh yeah, he’s great, really helpful. “When did you start sleeping with him?” Juliet thinks of a good way to parry. I don’t know, the first time we had sex, I guess? Juliet tries to weasel out of it, but Harper don’t take no mess. “I know. I followed you…watched you.” Freaky deaky! Juliet is so busted. Coitus codes can’t save you now, girlfriend.

“I’m sorry.”

“It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you listen to me and believe me. Now if you continue to have a relationship with Goodwin, there will be consequences. I don’t want him to get hurt.”

“I would never hurt him.”

“I’m not talking about you, dumbass! I’m talking about Ben.”

God, so many annoying couples, who can keep track?

“I think I’ve got it. There’s the blonde and the brunette’s foreheads…then the shrimpy guy and the like this blonde…then that handyman guy and the blonde…then there’s the guy from Party of Five and that other one, and that crazy redhead and the guy from Saving Private Ryan and…who else. Honey?”

That was a rhetorical question.

“Ah. Mea culpa.”

But whose culpa is it? That’s what I’d like to know. Stupid unattributed Buchman quotes.

Finally, we encounter a significantly less annoying couple: John Locke and a rabbit. He’s cutting into some delicious, bloody animal meat.

Mmmm. Some people are grossed out when they see where meat comes from, and I understand and respect that. But I personally find it quite appetizing. Claire’s not fazed either. She persuades Locke to move on from the revelation of whose boat it isn’t, and think about whose boat it is. Seriously! Even Claire knows that.

But no time for those two. It’s Annoying Couple #6, Locke & Linus! Yes, time for some bitchy banter with the boys.

“Rabbit today?” Ben’s the worst person ever to cook for. Locke’s not taking the bait, he’ll be back for the dirty laundry. But Ben wants to fight, because he gets off on that sort of thing. “So has the revolution begun yet?” And just like that, Locke’s back in the room for some tete-a-tete.

“What are you talking about?”

Talking that ying-yang, playboy! What you thought it was? Ben rags on Locke for having no plan – whereas he “always has a plan.”

Locke: “Does it involve you raising 3.2 million dollars? That’s a lot of money. Wait, I think this will get you started.”

“A dollar? That’s not much help. He’s still got practically 3.2 million dollars to raise.”

It was sarcasm.

“Oh. Forgive me. She didn’t know it either, by the way.”

A-HA! I’ve broken the code. You’re both to blame. Honestly, have either of you watched Lost before?

“Nope. Not our cup of tea. Not our steez.”

Right. Great.

So Ben makes his case to Locke that he can help. “We have shared interests, or at least a common enemy.” Who, the freighter peeps? “Not them…the one they work for.” Say word? “Word. Let me have my freedom, sleep in a bed, eat with utensils, watch Making the Band 4 and I’ll tell you all types of good stuff.” Locke ain’t taking his word for it, so Ben stands up in dramatic fashion.

“Alright then…I guess I’ll have to show you.”

Yes, show us!

But when we come from a break, we get another type of reveal altogether – Juliet’s body. Noooooo!

Way too much Juliet’s body. I guess there are Juliet fans out there who have been waiting for this. I’m not sure who they are, or how to help them. Anyway, Juliet’s not alone, she’s AC#3’in it with Goodwin. And it’s the cheesiest beach picnic EVER.

Shameful.

They talk about their annoying-couple status ad nauseum. It’s the kind of lame relationship talk you’d expect from, I don’t know, Mad About You.

“Hey! Take that back.”

You’re still here?
“Yes. And we were never annoying like those two. So take it back.”

Uh, okay? I’m still recapping the show here.

“Look, forget about Lost. We’ve paid attention to most of this episode, more or less, and honestly? Not that funny. Whereas Mad About You was and is the funniest show ever. Remember Ursula, the waitress? Remember how her twin sister was Phoebe from Friends? And remember when we went to Central Perk and mistook Phoebe for Ursula? That wasn’t annoying, that was HILARIOUS! Just watch a few minutes of that scene in this video and you can’t deny that -”

NO! No. For the love of all that is holy, no.

Where were we. Oh right, Juliet & Goodwin. She thinks they should keep things secret so as not to upset Ben, but Goodwin’s like, Whatever. Ben? What he’s gonna do?

Cut to Oceanic Flight 815 being ripped apart in the sky. Then Ben yells, “Goodwin!” Ahhhh. So that’s why he sent Goodwin. Now Harper’s here. It’s an annoying couple quadrangle!

Back to Jack & Juliet, the world’s least dynamic duo, running this way and that. They hear noises. It’s Kate! She’s a bloody mess. Jack takes cares of her somewhat lovingly, and Juliet looks none too pleased.

What’s wrong, Juliet? Not feeling Jack & Kate rekindling as Annoying Couple #7? Tough noogies. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. Juliet offers to go get Kate some water, which gives AC#7 some quality time together. Jack tells her Dan & Charlotte are headed for the power station, and Kate says they had gas masks, so clearly things is serious. Time to motivate.

Where’s Juliet, though? Jack calls out for her: “Juliet? Juliet! Juliet. Juliet. Juliet? Juliet! JULIET!!! Juliet! Juliet? Juliet. Juliet? JULIET!?!”

No Juliet.

Back to the barracks with AC#6. Locke is very clear with Ben abou the rules of this arrangement: no tricks. No trickery! That means no tomfoolery, no folderol, no lollygagging and definitely no hogwash.

“No tricks, John. We don’t even have to leave the living room.”

Locke’s still skeptical, but Ben seems for serious.

“It’s behind that picture.”

Locke removes the picture and finds a safe. So far, so good. Ben gives him the combo: “36 – 15 – 28.” The safe opens. Ben is super cereal this time! So what do we win?

Ah, the Red Sox, we’ve seen that before. Or have we? “I taped over the game,” says Ben. Oh, cool. John puts the tape in the VCR.

It’s Widmore again!

Ben breaks it down. “This is Charles Widmore. This is the man whose boat is parked offshore. This is the man that’s been trying to find the island.”

“Who’s the man in the blindfold?”

“One of my people who had the misfortune to get caught.”

“How does Widmore know about the island?”

“I don’t know. But he does.”

“What does he want?”

Ben delivers a long, lame, not-analogous analogy about the Virgin Mary in a Pop Tart. Meanwhile, dude in the video gets knocked around by Widmore. Does he have brass knuckles on? And does he see what’s filming him before the tape cuts off? I think he does.

“Charles Widmore wants to exploit this island, and he’ll do everything in his power to possess it.”

Ben gets a file out the cabinet.

“Everything I know about Charles Widmore is in this file. Some of it’s vague, some of it’s guesswork, some of it’s concrete. But this is everything, and now it’s all yours.”

“Sorry I didn’t tell you all this sooner, but it was the only bargaining chip I had left.”

Locke wants more out of this relationship. “There’s one more thing I need to know. Your man on the boat…I need you to tell me who it is.”

“All right…but you might want to sit down.”

I already AM sitting down! Tell me tell me tell me! Oh, he’s talking to John.

After the break, we see Kate do her trail-tracking thang. Juliet’s been here. So have Faraday & Lewis, a half-hour ahead of her. But Jack wants to be an annoying couple, stop walking through the jungle and get pointless answers. So Kate tells him that the Freighter Folks know she’s a fugitive. “Do they?” Yes, Jack, they do! Can we go find those muggerfunkers and save the island now? That would be great!

Juliet is at the Tempest already, because she’s about her business. Oh, nice, it’s action time. But no! We’re back in the golden age of the Others, and it’s time for annoying couple action with Ben & Juliet! Nooooo! She’s got the dinner rolls, he’s got the ham. Oh brother.

Juliet knew she was coming over for dinner, but not this kind of dinner. “I thought this was a dinner party?” Emphasis on “party” if you didn’t catch it, Ben.

“You and me! I guess I should have made that clearer.” Oh, you sly dog! He’s even got opera on. Playa please! You are not the macaroni with the cheese.

Juliet ruins the mood with talk of Goodwin, who’s been gone for three weeks at this point. Ben says Goodwin’s busy, “but his assignment will be over soon. I promise you.” Scout’s honor!

We’re back at the Tempest. This scene feels like a low-budg version of Desmond’s back-and-forth between 1996 and 2004. We follow Juliet as she peers down into the control room, where Dan is suited up and pushing buttons. This whole scene feels like it belongs in Smallville, but the Tempest is no Level Three, Juliet’s no Chloe and Dan’s no Earl Jenkins.

“Warning! Manual entry. Override denied,” says the computer lady. So there’s still time to stop him. Juliet rolls up on masked Dan with her gun out. His reaction is a bit of a surprise.

“Juliet, what are you doing here?”

Haaaa, Juliet knows what’s up! That’s what’s up.

After the break, Juliet tells Danny Dunn to step away from the Automatic House, but he can’t. Uh oh, countermeasures are beginning. “One minute to contamination.” That sounds bad.

Juliet’s like, why you trying to kill a-body, doggs? “No, no, i’m not trying to release it. i’m trying to render it inert. i just want to make it safe.”

Oh, cool, fair enough. Juliet pauses long enough to get hit in the back – hard! – by Charlotte.

The ladies tussle. They scuffle. Dan keeps plugging away at the computer. They keep fighting, because that makes sense. Juliet gets the upper hand and puts the gun on Charlotte, who says something sensible for the first time ever.

“Juliet, look me in the eye and tell me you are certain that Benjamin Linus wouldn’t use this gas to kill everyone on this island!” Good point. “We know he’s used it before. If you want to stop us, you’re going to have to shoot us both.” I didn’t hear Dan agree to that scenario. But the face! Oh, the Charlotte face.

The dramatic countdown continues. “Three…two…one…” BANG! Everyone on the island dies from the unrendered, still-nert gas. Nah, they live.

“Man, that was a close one.” Funny. We all knew that the island wasn’t going to get gassed, so the suspense was pretty canned in that scene. Even Juliet is like, I did all that for nothing? Damn.

Back in the golden age, Ben walks in on Juliet. She’s reading about spinal surgery and stuff like that. Oh, right, Ben’s tumor. Whatever. Ben needs her to come with him, so she does.

Out on the island, Ben takes Juliet to see something. Come on, it’ll be fun! And, in a ditch. “I’m sorry, Juliet.” Sorry for what? Oh, dead Goodwin.

Yeah, he real dead, son. And Ben don’t look that sorry neither either.

“I can only assume they found out he wasn’t one of them. Guess I should have listened to you.”

“Why are you showing me this? Why did you bring me out here?”

“What, instead of his wife?” Annoying couples, converge!! It’s like Annoying Couple Voltron up in this muggerflugger.

“You knew this would happen. You sent him out here because you knew this would happen. You wanted this! You wanted him to die! Why?”

“Why? You’re asking me why, after everything I’ve done to get you here, after everything I’ve done to keep you here? How could you possibly not understand that YOU’RE MINE!”

Ohhhhhhh. Wow.

“Take as much time as you need.”

Wowww! Ben’s pretty crazy.

Back in post-Tempest time, Juliet and Charlotte walk out and run into the super-late Jack & Kate. Juliet says it’s all hood, but Kate says, not all hood, they knocked my ass out. Charlotte says they did what they had to do, and makes some more outstanding Charlotte faces.

Go Charlotte!

Jack takes their word for it, mainly because he’s got a hankerin’ for some annoying-couple time with his girl Juliet. “You okay?” He touches her face gingerly, and I throw up.

“He wanted me to kill them. Ben. he told me to kill both of them.”

“How can he TELL you anything?”

“I don’t know, but he knew how to get to me, and he knew where they were going and what they were doing. Don’t you understand?” No, after four seasons, we really don’t. Feel free to explain some more. “These people came here to wage war against Ben. And Ben’s gonna win, Jack. And when he does, you don’t wanna be anywhere near me.”

“Why not?”

“Because he thinks that I’m his. And he knows how I feel about you.”

And they kiss sweetly.

And I just crapped myself something fierce.

“Fierce!”

Indeed. Twas a fierce pants-crapping.

These two in love or something? “He knows where to find me.” Oh, Jack, you romantic, fearless son-of-a-gun.

“Honey, let’s go. Let’s take Murray for a walk. Actually, you know what? I’m gonna pick your ass up and take you both for a walk. How about them apples.”

How about ‘em. Bye, Paul and Jaime Buchman! And Murray.

But there’s a little more Lost to go. Time for horseshoes with the first not-annoying couple of the episode – Sawyer and Hurley!

Where have you been, fellas? We could have used more of you. It’s a contest, so Hurley naturally wins. It’s like ping-pong and croquet all over again. But the ep isn’t ending with their game of horseshoes. It’s ending with their shock and surprise at seeing Ben, strutting around with his clean clothes, free as a bird.

“See you guys at dinner.”

Sawyer looks like he just crapped his and Hurley’s pants at the same time.

Hey guys, this could be a good thing. If the time-travel thing starts heating up, the crap in your pants will be your constant.

*BBHHBBBWWWONGGGGGGGGGG*

And that’s it for the Annoying Couples Edition. What did you think about The Other Woman, and more importantly, what’s going down next week? Leave a comment with your Lost thoughts below. And check out the trailer for Episode 7 if you haven’t already.

See you next week, Lost fans!