Season 6, Episode 1 – 2: LA X recap

And we’re back! Let’s get right to the recap.

Season 6 begins with a fade from last season’s white flash to fluffy clouds rolling by. We’re looking out an airplane window. We’re looking at Jack, who appears to be on Oceanic Airlines Flight 815.

Jack interacts with the stewardess. Jack reacts to a little turbulence. Jack and Rose make small talk. Jack and Rose react to a lot of turbulence. Looks like 815 is going down, folks. But then it doesn’t go down! It doesn’t. Everything returns to normal.

Bernard comes back from the bathroom and kisses Rose. Jack gets up and goes to the bathroom. He has a cut on his neck. Huh, wonder how that got there, thinks Jack.

Jack comes back from the bathroom. Desmond is in the seat next to him! That’s not normal. Jack asks, “Do I know you from somewhere?” Desmond says he’s not sure and introduces himself, saying it’s nice to meet him, or to see him again.

Jack looks out the window and into the clouds. Then the camera dives straight down, down into the water, then underwater across the ocean floor, where the island we’ve come to know and love is overrun with aquatic stuff…and there’s the big ol’ statue foot.

The end! Well, that was a fitting way to wrap up the series. I know I got the answers I was looking for. My fault, it was just a commercial break.

So we come back to find Kate on the island, in a tree, you know, hanging. Miles is there. Jack’s there. The Swan hatch is there, all blowed up post-Desmond style, which suggests that Jack’s plan backfired. Sawyer punches Jack hard. Sawyer’s upset that Juliet is dead. Jack apologizes.

Back on the plane, Jack runs into the marshall waiting for Kate by the bathroom. Arzt (Arzt!) recognizes Hugo as the lottery winner, asking him to do the Australian accent. Hugo obliges. Sawyer leans over and tells Hugo he shouldn’t tell people about winning the lottery, says they’ll take advantage. Hugo lets him know it’s all good, he’s mad lucky, nothing bad ever happens to him. Interesting!

We head back to the island, where Hugo and Jin are coming to, and Sayid’s looking like a bloody mess. Then people hear Juliet making some noise under the mass of twisted metal. They forget about Sayid. Time to help Juliet.

Hugo stays with Sayid, though, and hears a noise in the woods. It’s Jacob! “Hello, Hugo.” He gives a little wave. “You got a minute?”

That’s it, show’s over. My bad, it’s just another commercial break.

On the plane, we see Sun and Jin kick it. And Locke and Boone kick it. Boone! Boone says he was trying to bring his sister back from Australia, no luck though. Locke says he had a fun-ass walkabout. Boone is like, for real? Locke is like, for reals. We were out there doing walkabout-type stuff and all that. Boone is like, say word.

Back in the land of The New Locke (as he was referred to in the 8pm recap, but I prefer Shifty Locke), Shifty Locke is cleaning the knife that Ben used to stab Jacob. Ben stares into the fire, freaked out. He wants to know why Jacob didn’t put up a fight. Shifty Locke sends Ben to get Richard.

Ben actually thinks he can get Richard to go inside and talk to John. Richard’s not having it. He asks how Jacob’s doing. Oh, you know, great, fab, fantastic. Richard grabs Ben’s arm and leads him across the beach like a sissy. “Yeah, I’ll talk to John,” he says. “You talk to him first.” He throws Ben on the sand next to Dead Locke. Ben is confused.

As most of the gang starts to dig Juliet out of her Sanford and Son-like grave, we rejoin Hugo and Jacob’s conversation already in progress. Hugo wants to know what’s up, has a lot of questions, starts to say something about when Jin sees Jacob. Jacob lets Hugo know that Jin can’t see him because Jacob’s been dead for an hour. Oh, who killed you, asks Hugo. “An old friend who grew tired of my company,” says Jacob. I’m totally stealing that line if I get killed and there’s an afterlife. Jacob drops some science on Hugo, tells him he has to take Sayid to the mysterious Temple, says to bring the guitar case, important stuff like that.

Meanwhile, the Juliet rescue gang starts to use the van and the chains and what not to drag the metal out of the way. Sawyer is not pleased with Jack’s hand in this. “If she dies, I’ll kill him,” he says. Sawyer’s stuck in the past again.

Back on Bizarro Flight 815, an announcement is made asking for a doctor. Jack heads to the bathroom to find that someone locked himself in there. Fortunately Sayid is around to kick in the door. It’s Charlie! Jack saves him. Charlie is disappointed.

On the island, the van with the chains moves the metal. Sawyer climbs down. He finds Juliet at the bottom. She opens her eyes. They exchange hellos. Juliet wants to know where they are. Sawyer says don’t worry. Juliet wants to know why they’re still on the island since she blowed up the bomb. Sawyer wonders aloud why she did that. Juliet says she wanted to get him off the island. He says he’s going to get them all off the island. Sure, Sawyer.

Now Jack is trying to help Sayid, but he can’t, so Hugo is taking him to the Temple. Jack asks dumb questions about Hugo and who he was talking to and stuff. Can you help Sayid, Jack? No? Hugo says Jack can’t help Sayid so he’s taking him to the Temple. Hugo Boss! Hugo Boss.

On the beach, Richard tries to figure out what’s going on from Ben. Jacob’s crew from the Ajira Airways flight wants to know what’s up. They go inside with Ben to confront Shifty Locke. Shifty pegs them as Jacob’s bodyguards and explains coolly that Jacob’s dead, so it’s all good. They’re free to go. They’re free. Peace. Peace out. This displeases Jacob’s crew, who shoots at Shifty Locke. He disappears. The end.

Wait! There’s more. As Ben cowers in fear, Smokey-Smoke the Smoke Monster smokes his way into the room. Smokey’s back and ready to beat the smoke out of these mothersmokers. Smokey whoops ass left and right, like a bidirectional ass-whooping machine made of smoke and vengeance. The lead member of the crew sprinkles a circle of stuff around him, you know, stuff, that stuff sprinkled around the cabin. Smokey holds up the C’mon Son sign and is like, are you serious? I will smoke that ass like a carton of Pall Malls. Did you think I was just smoldered yesterday? Smokey knocks him out of the circle and kills him with a big rock or piece of wood or something.

Then Shifty Locke reappears and says to Ben, “I’m sorry you had to see me like that.” Smokey Locke!

In other news, Kate is yelling down the hole to see if Juliet is okay, but Sawyer and Juliet are getting some quality time together. She asks for a kiss. “You got it, Bloody,” says Sawyer. They kiss. She says she has to tell him something that’s really, really important. Then Juliet dies. Sawyer carries her body out of the hole and mean-mugs Jack. “You did this,” says Sawyer. Do you think he blames Jack for Juliet’s death? I do.

Back in Bizarro plane world, Charlie says Jack shouldn’t have saved him, says he was supposed to die. Jack asks Rose where Desmond went, but Rose doesn’t know. Time to land in super slow motion. The cops come for Charlie. They take him and his guitar. People get their stuff and get off the plane. Jack and Locke are the last two. The crew comes to help Locke into his wheelchair. Jack acknowledges this and heads out.

AND PART 2 BEGINS! It’s not Lost if people aren’t splitting into separate groups, so split they do. Hugo starts the Take Sayid To The Temple Facebook group. Sawyer starts the Bury Juliet In The Dirt group. Kate and Jack go with Hugo. Sawyer asks Miles to hang with him. Miles does.

We rejoin Jack at LAX, where someone pages him to come to the Oceanic counter. A creepy Oceanic employee lets Jack know there’s been a problem with the cargo. You know, the coffin. It’s, you know, not, you know. It’s not there. “But the funeral is in two hours,” says Jack. Yeah, well, you know. We don’t know when it will, you know, get here. Because, you know, we don’t know where it is, for starters. No clue.

The Temple crew gets to the Temple and goes down a hole to get inside. They find dead bodies, a book. Kate hears strange noises. Jack loses track of Kate. Where’s Kate? Then he loses track of Hurley. Where’s Hurley? Dudes knock Jack out. Dudes are in control.

The good news is that the Temple we’ve heard so much about is finally revealed. “Guess we found the Temple,” says Hugo.

At LAX, Kate asks the marshal if she can use the bathroom. They go in together. Kate gets in the stall and tries to use a hidden pen to pick the lock on her handcuffs. It takes a while. The marshal keeps rushing her. She tries to stall in the stall. Having little luck, she opts for the backup plan and kicks the door, knocking the marshal out. That guy is a terrible marshal in every space-time dimension.

She hides her cuffs and takes his gun, convincing some women who enter the bathroom that the marshal is some guy who attacked her and she’s just gotta bounce now. She gets on an elevator with Sawyer, who makes small talk about sharing a plane ride. He notices her cuffs, then covers for her when some TSA dudes get on the elevator. Stay classy, Kate and Sawyer.

Sawyer and Miles wrap up the burial process, which leads Sawyer to ask Miles what Juliet was about to say before she died. Miles says it doesn’t work that way. Sawyer disagrees and pushes Miles head-first into the freshly completed grave. Miles seems to connect with Juliet, and after some dramatic music, he tells Sawyer, “It worked…that’s what she wanted to tell you.” What worked? Miles is done with the graveyard shift and walks away.

Back to the freaky Temple and freaky Temple people. There’s a main Temple Guy and a Hippie Guy, for lack of better names. There’s also Stewardess Lady, who calls out that they’re all from “the first plane.” Temple Guy tells his henchmen to shoot them. Hugo yells at them to stop. He says Jacob sent them. Temple Guy is skeptical. Hugo says he’s got the guitar case to prove it. Temple Guy opens the case. Inside is a big ol’ ankh.

Temple Guy breaks it over his knee and takes out a piece of paper. He asks the Lost gang their names. They answer politely. He asks Sayid’s name. They tell him. He says it’s time to take Sayid to the spring. Hugo points out that he carried the guitar case through space and time, and would like to know what the drill is. Hippie Guy says that if Sayid dies, they’re all in a lot of trouble.

At LAX, Jin and Sun are stopped and their bags are searched. They find lots of cash and take Jin away. “Why did you have all that cash?” says Sun in Korean. A security person tells Sun that now would be a good time to speak English if she knows how. Nope, no English, says Sun.

Things are still freaky back at the Temple. Hippie Guy points out that the water in the spring isn’t clear anymore. Temple Guy cuts his own hand with a knife and dips it in the spring. It doesn’t look like it heals much, if at all. Oh well, it’s their best shot, so they put Sayid in anyway. They turn a huge hourglass over and hold Sayid underwater. He flails around, leading everyone to think this would be the time to let him breathe again. But the hourglass is still going. Everyone protests. Sayid stops moving. The hourglass runs out. Temple Guy gestures to let Sayid up now.

They lay Sayid out. He’s motionless. Hippie Guy says, “Your friend is dead.” Jack puts his game face on and begins to perform CPR on Sayid. After a while, Kate gets him to stop. Sayid looks dead.

Back at LAX, Sayid is very much alive and waiting for his bag. Arzt is, too. Kate is on the lam. She’s on the lam! She watches someone access an authorized personnel door, then makes a very unauthorized exit through the same door. She gets up to street level and makes a move for a cab, when the very annoying Neil, aka Frogurt, whines, “THERE’S A LINE!” Kate gets in line behind Hugo. Does that make any sense? No time for analysis. The marshal shows up, so she hops in a cab and pulls the gun on the driver. And guess who’s in the cab. Claire! Claire is in the cab! Claire is in the cab with Kate.

Meanwhile, the Temple greets two new arrivals, Miles and Sawyer. They got jumped in the jungle. Hippie Guy takes Hugo to see Temple Guy. As they talk, Hugo notices that while Hippie Guy translates what Temple Guy says to Hugo, Temple Guy doesn’t need Hippie Guy to translate what Hugo says to Temple Guy. So Hugo calls Temple Guy out, and Temple Guy says, “I don’t like the way English tastes on my tongue.” Then they ask Hugo when Jacob is coming. Doubtful, dudes. He’s dead. Hippie Guy and Temple Guy crap their pants in unison, and the whole Temple goes into defense mode, sprinkling stuff this way and that, arming up and what have you. Hugo thinks it’s to keep the Lost crew in, but Hippie guy says it’s to keep “him” out.

“Him?” asks Hugo. “Who?”

We return to the Ballad of Ben and Smokey Locke. Ben asks Smokey what he is. Ben calls him the monster. “Let’s not resort to name calling,” says Smokey Locke the Monstrous Smoke Monster. (I’m looking over my shoulder as I type this.) Smokey Locke changes the topic. He asks Ben if he’d like to know what Locke was thinking when he died, the real Locke, John Locke. Without waiting for the go-ahead from Ben, Smokey says John was confused. He says John’s last thought was, “I don’t understand.” Smokey says John was admirable because he was the only one who didn’t want to leave the island. Ben asks Smokey what he wants. “Well, that’s the great irony here, Ben, because I want the one thing that John Locke didn’t. I want to go home.”

And then, we get A REALLY CRAZY LOCKE FACE!

Back at the Temple, people are sad about Sayid being dead. “Goodbye, dude,” Hugo says to Sayid. “If you ever wanna talk, I’m around.” Miles is making a strange face and quietly talking to himself. “What, dude?” Nothing, says Miles. Hmm.

Kate and Sawyer are hanging off to the side. She tells him the Temple people are trying to help them. Sawyer is skeptical. Kate says she’s sorry about Juliet, and tries to get Sawyer to chillax about the whole killing Jack thing. Sawyer says he won’t kill Jack, he wants him to suffer like the rest of them.

Back at LAX, Jack is on the phone with his mom, trying to explain why the funeral thing has run into a bit of a snafu. Locke is there, waiting for his lost briefcase of knives, and asks Jack what he lost. “My dead father in a coffin” isn’t exactly the small talk Locke was expecting, but he goes with it. He says to Jack, “How could they know where he is? They didn’t lose your father. They just lost his body.” Jack takes a second to think about that one. Before Locke rolls away, Jack asks about his condition, which Locke describes as irreversible. Jack disagrees, offering him his card and a free consultation.

On the beach, Smokey Locke emerges from his hideout and confronts Richard. “Hello, Richard. It’s good to see you out of those chains.”

Richard is shook. “You?”

“Me,” says Smokey Locke, who proceeds to whoop Richard’s ass. He turns to the rest of the beach gang and says, “I am very disappointed! In all of you!” Then he throws Richard’s body over his shoulder and walks by John Locke’s dead body in the sand.

At the Temple, Hippie Guy says Temple Guy wants to speak with Jack in private. Jack’s not having it. Some goons struggle with Jack. “Jack!” yells Hurley.

Everyone stops.

Because Sayid is up and around! “What happened?”

L  O  S  T

Wow, so much to speculate about already. I don’t know where to begin. Lost is back!!

Check out the trailer for next week’s episode and leave your thoughts and theories in the comments.